The other culture II

4-1-14

A day of work. A lunch hour devoted to visiting a garden centre, and having lunch in a steamy, humid cafe...

5-1-14

More chores in the local town. More time together.

6-1-14

A week of joy at teaching well educated, small, innocent creatures. A reminder of the positive aspects of my own culture. Happiness, dancing, artwork, visual observations of the environment and frenzied creative activity of the children.

7-1-14

A sense of calm. A still, sunny day. Familiarity. Recognition. Local life and how things change: my High School classmates now collecting their children from school. Greetings. Rushed conversations over the School wall.

8-1-14

Another success. Talent exuding from Year 6. Gratitude and a responsive attitude. 

9-1-14

Time to leave, to come back to Spain. A last, delicious lunch and a somewhat cold goodbye.

The other culture

23-12-13

The day of the party. The first glimpses of our town.

24-12-13

The house. A sense of expectancy.

25-12-13

A day of no photos, of quiet celebrations. A late evening Christmas dinner. No make up. A dog walk in the dark. A still night. No wind. No rain. By the sea.

26-12-13

An invitation to somebody else´s home. A veritable melting pot of hilarity from the man of the house. Fire on too high. A wine glass filled to the top with his best whiskey. All for me.

27-12-13

Non descript.


28-12-13

An anxious walk with an over excited dog. The bench. He died this day 7 years ago. My mother´s exquisite words etched onto a plaque. The view over to our house.

29-12-13

More indulgent drinking. No structure to the days. Simply endless time to enjoy and partake in social interactions without a sense of guilt or blame.

30-12-13

A day of outings.

31-12-13

The day just a pretext to the evening and it´s celebrations. 20 friends. An odd meal. The company outshining the food. A sense of being surrounded by people who truly know you; the child you, the old you, the current you. No words needed.  Elation.

 1-1-14

The New Year.

 2-1-14

The afternoon spent shopping. Then she left.

3-1-14

Domesticity...

Isolation at Christmas, Isolation in general?

This over promoted month of December comes around quickly, but does it have a different affect on those of us who live abroad?

Can you receive the same level of affection and love from friends, whilst the family is not present?

Is it harder to live alone and away from home, or to feel the suffocation of family ties?

Nuevos ambientes propicios

Acabo de moverme por ambientes entretenidos, y propicios para el desarollo personal y profesional....

Minute details

A loaded silence, his daughter playing with my mobile phone in the backseat. Getting lost, silent frustration. A sense that everything had turned into a task, an annoyance.

A hurried fast food lunch in a windy terrace. Staring out at the tarmac of the train station, waiting for his return.

Sustenance but not the right kind. A need to be looked at, listened to, seen.

We sat side by side but not close enough.

The wind picked up the burger wrappers and a stained napkin escaped.

Hardly any chit chat. Silence. Looking for solace in the food.

A hurried goodbye. An ´I love you´ in a Foreign language escaped. Turned on his heel.

I didn´t look back. Marching on seemingly confidently. A heavy disappointment. Uneasiness accompanying me home, like an unseen warning for what was to come.

Adaptation

A conversation held with a friend. Friday 4th October 2013. A café in town. Humidity, rain and heat.

She has been here less time than myself. She has completed the first phase of this life lived abroad. A summer break back home and now she is here again, with a renewed energy.
We spoke of what she has learnt about herself so far, and of the complex nature of social interactions and new friendships conducted in a new place.

It begins with an overload of enthusiasm and urge to meet as many people as possible: a flurry of pro active behaviour. Some early relationships don´t last. Some prove to frustrate more than anything: we come together through shared hobbies or perhaps the same sense of humour begins to gel us to one another. However, a differing of character and most importantly culture induced morals and values, leaves us gasping for air after some unpleasant or dissatisfying interactions.
This city tends to attract a certain type of lost person who doesn´t have the emotional stability to maintain long term relationships: ironically it´s a lack of adaptation skills that they don´t possess. Why do they come here? To find something presumably. These types don´t last long however. They implode and become overwhelmed by negativity towards to city, always avoiding self confrontation and instead blaming others for their situation. Leaving behind those of us who chose to continue adapting and advancing.
We are therefore forced to learn from our short term choices, and how to retain a part of ourselves only for us.

Then comes the second phase of our lives abroad; some friendships and contacts have been lost but better ones are on their way. We start to spend more time listening to our inner voices and trusting those all important instincts. We don´t need to suffer anyone or anything to avoid potential loneliness. Time alone starts to prove more of an attractive and acceptable option. With family far away and a new ferocious independence, we should only really rely on ourselves fundamentally. A sense of calm, of being able to cope in any situation, an intimate relationship with ourselves.

My friend continues to tell me excitedly about her future plans and where she feels she is right now in life. Her face lights up with expectation as the storm clears overhead. The air is so hot. We move outside. We say our goodbyes and I have every faith that what she is searching for is about to be obtained. Her positivity is her strongest tool. If you maintain this then the city will not let you down or reject you; quite the contrary.

Losing grip, changing relationships

Family dynamics can be complex, often fuelled by misunderstanding and opposing stances. Although, unconditional love in itself is something extraordinary and teaches us so much. When a parent starts to change, become alien to you, it is confusing and leaves us feeling unsettled. Deep seated reasons for these changes, if known about, can help us decode the new found attitude or way of being. When their almost constant behaviour towards us changes for the worst, how does one cope? Parents are supposed to be stoic and consistent, not vulnerable and erratic; what a huge cross to bare. A life of coping and putting others first clearly causes a repression that ultimately will manifest itself in a kind of self implosion.

This aforementioned unconditional love equips us with an important coping mechanism when the retorts and aggressive comments begin. As a teenager we no doubt caused the same feelings of confusion and upset in our parents, with unexplained outbursts of anger. Now it is our turn to be tolerant, to look past the unfounded words and connect with the painful truth of what this person who has been a long term coper is now going through.

To realize that you are no longer someone´s child and no one is going to look after you anymore is devastating. Regardless of one´s individual independence levels, it is still important to remain feeling like a child who has a protector/parent waiting in the realms just in case. Without realizing it, we in turn become carers, surrogate parents who need to role reverse and put our parents´ needs first. For some this change comes easily, for others not so much. Wanting with all your might for your parent to be happy, content, satisfied. Seeing their complex layers separating and thinning out; exposing themselves. A cry for help?