Overlooked joys

2015, a New Year that also allows us ( if we wish ) to reassess what we had just one month ago, ending with fireworks and hugs on New Year's Eve, and also what we still have now.

I would say that pure joy comes from the smaller things in life? For me these include: having slept well or eating healthily. Having time to yourself. Reading a fascinating book. Dancing or going to the spa. A good conversation. Being dangerously honest with yourself and others. Sharing a strong and positive connection with somebody. 
But recent moments of pure bliss and comfort come from other places: a solo trip to a coffee shop, where I quickly scan the place for the daily newspaper, order my coffee, pick a table and then indulge in reaquainting myself with the World's goings on. Or dozing into a contented sleep whilst my partner remains at my side, wide awake.He then kisses my forehead endlessly, and strokes my hair, showing me that this is his most condensed, and perhaps honest, moment of shared sentiment and affection. 

A new beginning, a surprising new influence

When someone new enters your life and their intention is to stay put, of course things change. When it happens to be a romantic union things transform themselves into something overtly attractive and intoxicating.What begins as something spontaneous and unexpected soon settles itself into longer term, that consumes you in only a positive way.

He is tall, with lots of thick black hair and fashionable glasses. Quiet, unassuming. He invited me for a drink on a Friday. He worked on my road. What a coincidence. I wasn´t sure I liked him, I remained closed. As we carried on talking I saw something worth investigating. A seductive calmness, a good dancer. He smelt fantastic. So young, no emotional baggage. A youthful, controlled energy. A positive, innocent outlook.

At first he was harder to pin down. Not elusive exactly but he hadn´t realized what his feelings were going to do. He was busy, in his own routine, not yet letting himself fully connect with mine. When I mentioned that I was going away for a week he was affected. He began to respond by wanting to meet daily. I was glowing. Under the mesmerising flashing lights of the club he introduced me to his friends and cousin as his girlfriend.

On the day of love here in Catalonia, the streets were filled with an expectant energy, roses and books. We met at night. He handed me my rose in the street and took me to his house to meet his family. I saw an over crowded flat filled with affection and family values.

He has changed my outlook somewhat. Made me feel more complete but no less myself. He has added another, emotive dimension to my life.

The other culture II

4-1-14

A day of work. A lunch hour devoted to visiting a garden centre, and having lunch in a steamy, humid cafe...

5-1-14

More chores in the local town. More time together.

6-1-14

A week of joy at teaching well educated, small, innocent creatures. A reminder of the positive aspects of my own culture. Happiness, dancing, artwork, visual observations of the environment and frenzied creative activity of the children.

7-1-14

A sense of calm. A still, sunny day. Familiarity. Recognition. Local life and how things change: my High School classmates now collecting their children from school. Greetings. Rushed conversations over the School wall.

8-1-14

Another success. Talent exuding from Year 6. Gratitude and a responsive attitude. 

9-1-14

Time to leave, to come back to Spain. A last, delicious lunch and a somewhat cold goodbye.

Minute details

A loaded silence, his daughter playing with my mobile phone in the backseat. Getting lost, silent frustration. A sense that everything had turned into a task, an annoyance.

A hurried fast food lunch in a windy terrace. Staring out at the tarmac of the train station, waiting for his return.

Sustenance but not the right kind. A need to be looked at, listened to, seen.

We sat side by side but not close enough.

The wind picked up the burger wrappers and a stained napkin escaped.

Hardly any chit chat. Silence. Looking for solace in the food.

A hurried goodbye. An ´I love you´ in a Foreign language escaped. Turned on his heel.

I didn´t look back. Marching on seemingly confidently. A heavy disappointment. Uneasiness accompanying me home, like an unseen warning for what was to come.

Adaptation

A conversation held with a friend. Friday 4th October 2013. A café in town. Humidity, rain and heat.

She has been here less time than myself. She has completed the first phase of this life lived abroad. A summer break back home and now she is here again, with a renewed energy.
We spoke of what she has learnt about herself so far, and of the complex nature of social interactions and new friendships conducted in a new place.

It begins with an overload of enthusiasm and urge to meet as many people as possible: a flurry of pro active behaviour. Some early relationships don´t last. Some prove to frustrate more than anything: we come together through shared hobbies or perhaps the same sense of humour begins to gel us to one another. However, a differing of character and most importantly culture induced morals and values, leaves us gasping for air after some unpleasant or dissatisfying interactions.
This city tends to attract a certain type of lost person who doesn´t have the emotional stability to maintain long term relationships: ironically it´s a lack of adaptation skills that they don´t possess. Why do they come here? To find something presumably. These types don´t last long however. They implode and become overwhelmed by negativity towards to city, always avoiding self confrontation and instead blaming others for their situation. Leaving behind those of us who chose to continue adapting and advancing.
We are therefore forced to learn from our short term choices, and how to retain a part of ourselves only for us.

Then comes the second phase of our lives abroad; some friendships and contacts have been lost but better ones are on their way. We start to spend more time listening to our inner voices and trusting those all important instincts. We don´t need to suffer anyone or anything to avoid potential loneliness. Time alone starts to prove more of an attractive and acceptable option. With family far away and a new ferocious independence, we should only really rely on ourselves fundamentally. A sense of calm, of being able to cope in any situation, an intimate relationship with ourselves.

My friend continues to tell me excitedly about her future plans and where she feels she is right now in life. Her face lights up with expectation as the storm clears overhead. The air is so hot. We move outside. We say our goodbyes and I have every faith that what she is searching for is about to be obtained. Her positivity is her strongest tool. If you maintain this then the city will not let you down or reject you; quite the contrary.

Losing grip, changing relationships

Family dynamics can be complex, often fuelled by misunderstanding and opposing stances. Although, unconditional love in itself is something extraordinary and teaches us so much. When a parent starts to change, become alien to you, it is confusing and leaves us feeling unsettled. Deep seated reasons for these changes, if known about, can help us decode the new found attitude or way of being. When their almost constant behaviour towards us changes for the worst, how does one cope? Parents are supposed to be stoic and consistent, not vulnerable and erratic; what a huge cross to bare. A life of coping and putting others first clearly causes a repression that ultimately will manifest itself in a kind of self implosion.

This aforementioned unconditional love equips us with an important coping mechanism when the retorts and aggressive comments begin. As a teenager we no doubt caused the same feelings of confusion and upset in our parents, with unexplained outbursts of anger. Now it is our turn to be tolerant, to look past the unfounded words and connect with the painful truth of what this person who has been a long term coper is now going through.

To realize that you are no longer someone´s child and no one is going to look after you anymore is devastating. Regardless of one´s individual independence levels, it is still important to remain feeling like a child who has a protector/parent waiting in the realms just in case. Without realizing it, we in turn become carers, surrogate parents who need to role reverse and put our parents´ needs first. For some this change comes easily, for others not so much. Wanting with all your might for your parent to be happy, content, satisfied. Seeing their complex layers separating and thinning out; exposing themselves. A cry for help?